


i needed you to stay but i let you drift away (my love, where are you?)

by coffee_music_books



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Angst, I hope you dance, I'm so sorry, Multi, My poor babies, angsty angst, letters to your daughter, wynonna earp - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-28
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-12-20 19:54:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11928084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffee_music_books/pseuds/coffee_music_books
Summary: It's hard not to wonder where you are, my love.ORWynonna's, Waverly's and Nicole's words to the baby as they give her up.





	i needed you to stay but i let you drift away (my love, where are you?)

**Author's Note:**

> Guys, I'm so sorry. I needed to get this out after the finale.
> 
> Title taken from "Surrender" by Natalie Taylor (it's a heartbreaker, but it's beautiful so give it a listen)

 

**Wynonna**

 

It's hard not to wonder where you are, my love.

 

I've held you once and it was the most beautiful few minutes of my life. I didn't expect it, this feeling like I've torn out my heart and held it in my hands, alive and beating and  _there_. 

 

I counted your fingers and toes because that's what they told me to do. My whole body hurt--you really did a number on me, kid--and my vision was bleary with drugs and adrenaline and fear and pain. I got caught on your fingernails, paper-thin and perfect. 

 

My God, you're so beautiful.

 

I never, ever thought I'd be able to create something so gorgeous. Your eyelashes are long, impossibly long, and your skin was so soft and smooth and clean. You had me wrapped around your finger from the second I saw you.

 

And you shattered my heart the moment I gave you away.

 

You have to know, my girl, I didn't want to. I won't lie to you, before you came into the world, the idea was appealing. I wasn't ready for you yet. You were the gift I hadn't chosen to receive so soon, and I have such a long history of hurting the ones I love. It's my curse.

 

(Well, one of them.)

 

I didn't know I needed you, but I did. I hope you'll never know, but my life has been a whirlwind of loss and pain and death. But you--you're  _life_. You're newness and innocence, a clean slate, a person I can love and, hopefully, might love me back. 

 

I wish it could've been us, my girl. 

 

I wish I could've taken you far away from this place myself, just us two. We could've had a little cottage, a tiny home with a new last name and none of the burdens or baggage. We could've been  _happy_. It'd be so perfect, butI could never do that. I can't ever leave.

 

But you can.

 

You're going to have a better life than I did, than even Waverly did. I hope you're like her. She's smart and pretty and so, so loved. I hope you're strong and you feel love like I never did to an infinite degree. I hope you never know pain,  _real_ pain, and I hope you smile in the sunlight. 

 

I hope you have his eyes. I hope you have my hair and my sass. I hope I could give you strength.

 

I hope you don't know about me. 

 

I don't want you to know that I was the mother who gave you away. I don't want you to ever,  _ever_ doubt that you are loved in this world, that there is a family and a place for you. But I don't want you to become another person that I've hurt. 

 

I wonder about you, where you are. Do you sleep well at night with her? Does she make you smile that beautiful, beautiful smile? Does she sing to you like she did for Waverly? Does she tickle your perfect round belly and kiss your soft cheeks and tell you she loves you every second of every day, because you're a blessed angel and we don't deserve you?

 

Gus will raise you well. Nicole will protect you until you're gone. Waverly will watch your face with her young, young eyes and look at you like you can't be real because you can't. I hope you're smart like Waverly is, strong like Nicole is and I hope that you're brave. I hope you learn to love fiercely and unapologetically like Gus.

 

I hope you dance.

 

God, I hope you dance. I hope you feel happiness, I hope you feel beautiful and intelligent and courageous and I hope you dance like no one is watching you and light the world with your smile.

 

I'm so sorry, baby. I will always love you.

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Waverly**

 

She was the best of us; and you'll probably never know her.

 

She thinks she's protecting us by shielding us from herself. I know, sweet girl, because she did the same thing to me years ago. She picked up and left and she didn't look back.

 

She thought I'd be better without her, too.

 

I wish I could tell you all about her. I think you might have her smile someday. She smiles with her whole heart and it's a beautiful thing. She taught me that it's okay to feel things so deeply; that it's beautiful and painful and haunting and human. 

 

I hope you have her heart. I think you will. He's every bit as good, but he fumbles over his own insecurities and shortcomings and vices. You won't have any of those, though, sweet baby.

 

She really is the best of us.

 

She broke my heart with you today. Somehow, I didn't know it would be this hard. Thank the  _lord_ for Nicole, little one, because without her Wynonna and I could never have given you this chance.

 

And you deserve a fresh start.

 

This place is riddled with dangers specifically hell-bent (sometimes literally) on making us suffer. Me, and  _her_. They'd use you as collateral damage or  _bait_ and we couldn't,  _wouldn't_ let that happen.

 

She made the greatest sacrifice of them all when she gave you up.

 

You won't understand it for a long time, sweet angel, but we had to protect you. Now, outside of this place, away from all of this, you can be whatever it is you want to be. I know you'll be extraordinary.

 

You came from her. So how can you not?

 

I think you have his eyes. When he looks at someone, he cuts you right to the core. He can see every devastating weakness, every dark secret and terrible fear inside you. It's piercing and uncomfortable and beautiful. I hope you have his quiet strength. He asks for little--sometimes he offers little, too--and he believes in honor, even among thieves.

 

I hope you have his capacity for love. He does it with compassion, with his whole body. I hope you feel everything, especially happiness, as much as she does.

 

I hope you get to see the ocean.

 

Know that we'll always be here, beautiful little one. We'll always be here if you learn about us someday and you want to come see where you came from. We'll beat this terrible thing for you, and then we'll be here waiting for you.

 

I'll always, always love you.

 

* * *

 

 

**Nicole**

 

She asked me to do this thing for her. This one important thing for her. After what I asked her to do for me, how could I refuse?

 

I'm so sorry, sweetheart. 

 

I don't know if I'll still be here when you learn where you came from. I don't know if this Earp thing, this curse that seems to devastate your mom and everyone close to her, will end up taking me in the end.

 

But no matter what, I want you to know what love is.

 

Your mom loves you with more passion than I've ever, ever seen. You have such a strong family here, little one.

 

I know what it feels like to be alone in the world. I know what it feels like to not know your parents, not really. (I don't talk to mine, but that was more my choice. But you don't care about that.) I hope you never feel like you weren't wanted.

 

Because you  _so_ were.

 

You took some adjusting, I'll be honest. But the moment you took your first breath, the second you wailed for that first time, our hearts broke and shattered and came back together again anew. You're this perfect, perfect thing and we couldn't keep you in this horrible place. 

 

I can't imagine what your mom feels.

 

It's strange, I think, to call her  _mom_. She doesn't seem like one. But giving you up--the selflessness, putting you first above  _all else_ , that's motherhood. She could teach her own mom a thing or two about children. 

 

She loves you with everything in her and then some. That's why she gave you up.

 

Selfishly, I wanted to take you away from here myself. You represented for me all of these possibilities. A new life, a fresh start, a beautiful beginning.

 

A family. With Waverly.

 

God I hope her goodness is genetic. If it is, I  _know_ in my heart you'll have it. The same woman who raised her will raise you to be as strong and smart and beautiful and brave as she is. 

 

You'll be the best parts of both of them. It's so amazing to think about.

 

I hope we get to meet you someday. I hope we can beat this terrible thing and create a safe place for you to come back to us. I hope you grow up to be the firecracker your mother is. I hope you're as honorable as your father. 

 

I hope beyond anything that you are loved. 

 

Please, if you ever come to find us, someday, don't hate them. (Or me.) 

 

Trust me. None of us wanted to lose you.

 

 

 

 


End file.
